Dearest Clarity,
The other day I bought my daughter a book about all different types of families. I got her this book to show her that she is not the only one without a dad. Some kids only have a dad and no mom and some have two moms or two dad's, and on and on. It is an amazing book that I highly recommend. It's called Who's in a Family, by Robert Such. I got it at an amazing book store called Another Story Bookshop at 315 Roncesvalles. They have an amazing selection of books for kids to help them deal with so many different issues.
When I got home I read this book to my daughter and explained what it meant. We had a great discussion about different families and she seemed to really enjoy knowing that, and looking at the pictures of them. At the back of the book there is a page that gives your child an opportunity to draw their family, and the people who take care of them. My daughter grabbed her markers and started drawing. She finished and said "look mommy, I'm done". I looked up and saw that she drew a picture of her father and his mother, her grandmother. Well I just stared at it and the anger just took over my body, I was sweating and ready to have a full out raging fit. Instead I took a deep breath and walked away. I had to breathe and centre myself, to get back to the reality of the situation. She is only four and I know she loves me and is grateful for me. I also started realizing that she drew that because that is her greatest desire, I had to look at it from her perspective. I walked back in the room and said those pictures are great but here is another piece of paper, now let's draw what the book was talking about. So together we drew and coloured her family, the people who take care of her. I didn't want to say she couldn't draw them because she can and they are her family, but I also thought it was important that she is in reality, a lot of kids in these situations can stay in a fantasy world and I think it is important to let them have there thoughts and dreams, but to also support them in what is the truth.
I am telling this story to show that not reacting from our anger and rage is so important. There are gonna be many more situations where this sort of thing is gonna come up, but as examples to our children we need to walk away and just breathe in and breathe out. Go back when your ready and deal with it. If we don't and we react right away, that is when we are gonna make the mistake of bashing the absent parent or saying hurtful things to them. It's not their fault so they don't deserve that. I am a big believer in not bashing the other parent, you need to be honest but in a respectful way. If you don't it will do nothing but hurt them and teach them that it is ok to react that way when your angry, and that talking about people like that is ok and it is not. So next time you are in this situation, I ask you to walk away and BREATHE IN and BREATHE OUT!
What a positive way to deal with such a difficult situation. My sister is a single mom and the father of her daughter often tries to get under her skin by telling my niece bad things about her mother. She then comes home and repeats these bad things to her mom. Instead of lashing out, my sister stops to remind herself of the innocence of children and how her daughter learned those words and behaviours just like she learned to write her name or sing the alphabet. Because my niece is only 2 it takes a little longer for her to understand why the words she speaks are hurtful, but time and time again, my sister manages to overcome these obstacles placed in her path.
ReplyDeleteI know how hard it is but it sounds like your sister is doing a great job. It takes a lot of strength and unfortunately it's just the beginning. She should be proud of herself because she is not only a good mom but a great example of what a good person is for her daughter.
ReplyDeleteTalk to you soon!
You are very composed missz! Good for you for taking a step back , refelcting, thinking, and THEN dealing with your emotions. You are doing a great job of not letting your emotions get the best of you and I think it's wonderful that you don't bash or try to sway your daughter to be "against" the other side. I think the approach you are taking is the best way and your daughter will see for herself as she gets older and make her own conclusion.
ReplyDelete...my daughter is now 28...and I had this happen again...her father promised her to pay for her wedding...after she started to make arrangements she went to his house for dinner and she started to talk about her plans, her step mother asked her how she was going to afford it...she said Dad said he was going to pay, and her stepmother said "when hell freezes over, that is not happening" and her step mother walked out of the room. Her father said you shouldn't have said anything I didn't have a chance to talk to her, and I never promised you that I would pay for it.
ReplyDeleteMy daughter felt 4 years old when she talked to me about it....phew... she still holds the dream of this love that just hasn't been possible. Her whole life he has made promises and has never kept them. I hurt so bad for her, I know its not about the money or the wedding, its about this endless craving for a loving father... on a good note she had learned to rely on herself and decided on a wedding that she always wanted and she realized it wasn't the big traditional wedding but one on a beach. That the big wedding was the "little girl" dream where her father would be so proud of her. She realized that her wedding was hers not her fathers wedding...She also said that she was going to call him and let him know that he has not been a good father and she has wasted a lot of time trying to figure out what was wrong with her, but in fact that there was something wrong with him, and she was going to make the call without anger....i'm not sure if she has yet. i love that she is learning all these wonderful things, still I just want to kick his ass....and as for me, I just can't love her enough to for both her father and I...that's what I learned...I just really tried hard to listen and allow her her pain... just feels like it never ends sometimes and if I'm honest I feel a little jealous that she forgets that I have been there all along.
I loved reading your comment and story, it helped me realize that I am not alone and Oh man, I feel you! I can just imagine what's to come but like your daughter, I think unfortunately we have to let them go on their own journey and figure it out for themselves. I can't imagine how tough that must have been to watch her go through it all. It sounds like your daughter is figuring it all out now which is wonderful. I wish your daughter a beautiful wedding. You sound like a great mom!
ReplyDeleteTalk to you soon!
What a great post! As a child of a single mom I know what it's like to miss and in a way idealize the parent that is not around. Reality is that we take for granted the people closest to us...cause we have a notion that they will always be around to love us and us them. I guess what I'm trying to say is, understand why your daughter drew the picture that she did. We search for and crave love that is farthest from us. I can guarantee that this will not be the first time your daughter does something like this. I did it my whole life. But I can also guarantee the love you give her is so very precious and she knows that. Just keep on being fabulous as you are! You have a lot to be proud of...and I just want to awknowledge what a hero and an inspiration you are! Xo
ReplyDeleteThank you soooo much! I loved reading your beautiful words! It was a tough one for sure but you are right, it's not gonna be the last time. All I know is that I am commited to always doing my best to not take it personal, and understand where she is coming from. I love hearing from people who had single mother's because I get to hear your perspective and it really helps me get it.
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Wow! The spot about drawing her families, and kids living in a possible fantasy world brought on by neglect and feelings of abandonment. Heavy... Made my eyes water... I know I lady who could have used your blog as a stimulus of support and acknowledgment back in the 80's... Ur inspiring me daily and speaking out for a good majority of our culture... Your Amazing! Do u have a Twitter account??????
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