It's crazy how much you can learn about yourself when you take a step back. I've magically had the week off and I've been spending most of my time alone and at home, just doing simple things. This has given me the opportunity to do a lot of reflecting on my habits and behavior. The more stressed I get and the more tired I am, the more chaotic and bad my decisions seem to get. For example, instead of going to bed earlier, I stay up later. Instead of taking a soothing bath, I drink a glass of wine. Instead of feeding my soul by painting, I watch t.v., and the worse one of all is instead of having a relaxing night in, I want to go out till all hours of the night partying it up with my friends, forgetting the hell I will feel and be in the next day.
This week I tried something new. I haven't gone out on the town, I haven't numbed myself with wine and I haven't stayed up all night watching mindless t.v. Instead I've been going to bed early. I've been painting, cleaning, enjoying a cup of tea, taking baths and taking a step back. A step back to enjoy the things I have, make healthy decisions and do things that will feed me, make me stronger and enrich my life. It's the simple things we need that we forget. The simple things that can get lost in all the chaos.
October 27, 2011
October 15, 2011
Truly You
I keep trying to figure out why I am stuck in the same place in my life, over and over and over again. Sometimes I feel like I'm just floating through. Not feeling or thinking. Not having a passion or desire. Not hoping or believing. Just floating. Lately I've been reminiscing a lot. Thinking about my past. The decisions I've made. The path I've chosen. It's easy to just ignore or decide to forget, but it will always come back around eventually.
I've decided to forget so much in my life, that I actually do forget so much. Forcing myself to remember, I am having to face alot about who I am, who I was and who I want to be. As painful as it is to look back, I know in order to look forward I need to face all of who I am and all that has brought me to this moment. When I think of why I've made alot of the choices I've made, the only word that comes to mind is fear. Fear to succeed. Fear to stand up for my beliefs. Fear to be succesful. Fear to be powerful. Fear to like what I like. Fear to be me.
It's like I've been fighting my true authentic self my whole life. Creating this other person. This person that is so afraid of being herself that she got lost trying to be someone else. Someone who wanted to please people and be who I thought they wanted me to be. I'ts taken me a long time and a lot of obstacles, heartache and pain to finally see that you can't. You can't fight your true self, because if you do, you will never truly be where you wanna be, what you wanna be and who you wanna be. It sounds so crazy, and feels so crazy that it's that hard to just be me, but I think it's actually one of the hardest things we as humans have to do. With all the outside influences, preassures, misconseptions and impossible standards we set for ourselves and eachother it's so easy to get lost.
I keep thinking about how I can help my daughter, as she go's through this thing called life. How can I help her stay true to who she is? What can I do to support her, to be true to her beliefs, likes and dislikes. Her hopes and her dreams. I've realized there is only one thing I can do and that is to show her. To let go of the guilt I feel for my past mistakes and offroading, and to let go of the fear. If I show her that my fears can't get in the way of who I am and want to be then I can become the woman I want her to be. I can do the things I dream of her doing and I can see what I want her to see. I was recently told that we as parents often live through our children. We watch them live out our dreams. Well, I've decided that I want to live out my dreams with her.
I've decided to forget so much in my life, that I actually do forget so much. Forcing myself to remember, I am having to face alot about who I am, who I was and who I want to be. As painful as it is to look back, I know in order to look forward I need to face all of who I am and all that has brought me to this moment. When I think of why I've made alot of the choices I've made, the only word that comes to mind is fear. Fear to succeed. Fear to stand up for my beliefs. Fear to be succesful. Fear to be powerful. Fear to like what I like. Fear to be me.
It's like I've been fighting my true authentic self my whole life. Creating this other person. This person that is so afraid of being herself that she got lost trying to be someone else. Someone who wanted to please people and be who I thought they wanted me to be. I'ts taken me a long time and a lot of obstacles, heartache and pain to finally see that you can't. You can't fight your true self, because if you do, you will never truly be where you wanna be, what you wanna be and who you wanna be. It sounds so crazy, and feels so crazy that it's that hard to just be me, but I think it's actually one of the hardest things we as humans have to do. With all the outside influences, preassures, misconseptions and impossible standards we set for ourselves and eachother it's so easy to get lost.
I keep thinking about how I can help my daughter, as she go's through this thing called life. How can I help her stay true to who she is? What can I do to support her, to be true to her beliefs, likes and dislikes. Her hopes and her dreams. I've realized there is only one thing I can do and that is to show her. To let go of the guilt I feel for my past mistakes and offroading, and to let go of the fear. If I show her that my fears can't get in the way of who I am and want to be then I can become the woman I want her to be. I can do the things I dream of her doing and I can see what I want her to see. I was recently told that we as parents often live through our children. We watch them live out our dreams. Well, I've decided that I want to live out my dreams with her.
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