Acceptance Is a Beautiful Thing

Dearest Clarity,
 There is nothing worse than having to watch your child be let down, sad or heartbroken.   My daughter is still getting used to seeing her dad and it's still a hard thing for her to rap her head around.  It's been a little less than a year now that she started seeing him once every two weeks.  A few days before she has to go, she usually gets some anxiety and becomes very attached to me.  Now that I've noticed the pattern I really try to be available for her those few days before, and just remind her that she is safe, and loved and that I am there for her.  

The other night when all of this started happening, we were talking before bed and I was telling her how proud I am of her, for how well she has been doing with her new bedtime routine.  She then said to me that she thinks that I am the only one that is proud of her.  Oh my God! My heart nearly fell to the ground.  I asked how she could say that when soooooo many people are in her life who love her and are always there for her, cheering her on.  I thought to myself, how could she possibly feel this way!  Then I realized what it was really about.  See, when kids are this young they can't always pin point exactly what they are feeling and why, so they will sort of just say it the best they know how, which a lot of the time it isn't actually what it is.  

I had noticed lately that her dad rarely ever calls between the two weeks that he sees her, and I had been thinking about how to approach him about it.  I asked her if she felt that her dad was proud of her and she said no.  She got really emotional and started saying that he lies to her because he says he's gonna call all the time and he doesn't, and that it makes her really sad and hurts her feelings.  "Of course it does" I said.  After our talk, I calmed her down and reassured her that I would speak to him and that he loved her and not to worry.  

After she fell asleep, I phoned my mother and told her what was going on.  I just started venting on the phone.  Do I yell at him? Do I kill him? (joking)  Do I not say anything and leave it alone? What do I do?  Through talking to her I  realized that we can't always save our kids.  Sometimes the truth or the reality of life is what we need to help them with.  If I were to talk to him about it, he would probably call for a few weeks and then stop again.  So I would have put a band aid on it, but then she would just have the same feeling of sadness and heartbreak all over again.  

One of the hardest things in life is to let go and to accept what is.  This morning during breakfast I brought it up to my daughter again, and I held her in my arms and said baby I love you, and I'm sorry that you are going through this but you can't let it take you down.  Your father loves you but for some reason is not capable of fully being there for you.  It sucks and it hurts but you have to accept who he is, forgive him and let it go.  It will take time and it will be so hard but you have to, because we can't change people, they are who they are, and if you don't, you will continue to feel let down by him.  When he makes promises, don't take them seriously. Protect yourself by being honest and aware of what is real.  

I think kids sometimes make up these fantasies about what an absent parent is like.  They create this person that doesn't exist based on everything they would dream of them being, and when they realize that isn't who they are, it's a real let down.  It was a tough pill for her to swallow but amazingly enough I know she understood me, and I knew that she agreed with what I was saying.  She never ceases to amaze me. I love her so much and I am so proud of what a strong, brave little munchkin she is.   Acceptance is a beautiful thing, a beautiful thing that will set you free!

YOUR GUTS ARE YOUR BEST FRIEND!

Dearest Clarity,

So how do you go about talking to 5 year old's about why they can't run off, or why you need to always be able to see them, or about what a stranger is.  Who is a stranger? What do they look like? When can you or can't you respond to a stranger? Why would a stranger want to hurt us?  These are just some of the billion questions my daughter and her friends have been asking lately.  I was discussing the subject with some parents today and after hearing everyone's stories and point of views, I felt like I knew what I wanted to say to my daughter.  

Ever since I was a little girl I remember always having this voice or feeling inside of me when I felt scared or nervous or uncomfortable.  I call this my gut.  If only I followed my gut feeling more in my life I would have avoided soooooo many wrong turns and decisions.  

I don't want to scare my daughter into thinking everyone is bad or scary, and I don't want her to live in fear, yet I know it's important that she is safe, understands that there are some dangers and ultimately has the courage to follow her gut.  You can't tell them at this young innocent age that there are pedophiles out there, how do you explain that?  It's too much for their young beautiful minds.  They wouldn't get it.  So when we got home from school today we had a talk about following your gut and what that means. I said, "think of a time when one of your friends have said you guys should do something, that you know you're not allowed to do."  "What did you feel like when they did that?"  She said, she felt nervous and a little scared because she didn't want to get into trouble.  I said, "so your gut told you it wasn't a good idea, right?"  She said, "I get it mommy! Your guts are your best friend! " That's right I said, "so if someone or something is ever making your gut feel funny or scared or uncomfortable, then you know it isn't good for you, and you need to get away from them or the situation and get help if you can." 

I wanted to share this cause I think it's a great way to start teaching our children to protect themselves.  They don't have to be scared or paranoid all the time, they just need to be careful, and they need to learn how to listen to themselves and how to trust themselves.  I also think it's a great reminder for us parents to do the same when we are making our many, not always easy parenting decisions.  :)

FLYING SOLO

Dearest Clarity,
One of the hardest parts about being a single parent, for me is the loneliness.  I'm having a hard night tonight.  It took me what felt like forever to get my daughter to bed.  She pulled out all her tricks! One more hug mommy? I'm thirsty,  I have to pee, I just want to tell you how much I love you! Cute? yes, but at the end of a long day all I want to do is have some me time.  All week she has been super attached to me and wont leave my side.  I finally got her to sleep and now I'm sitting here feeling relieved, but at the same time I have this overwhelming feeling of loneliness.  It's these moments  I just wish I had someone to vent to, or someone to hold me and say, oh man that was a tough night, someone to just be there who has just gone through it with me, who truly understands and loves her to pieces, exactly the same way I do.  

At the same time, while writing this I feel crazy because I do have sooooo many amazing and supportive friends and family, but for some reason in moments like this the loneliness is still there.  I'm writing this not to feel sorry for single parents or myself, but to share my truth of what it's like, because maybe just one parent out there might feel the same way, and take comfort in knowing that they aren't the only ones flying solo and really feeling it from time to time.

HAPPY PAINTING!

Dearest Clarity,
For the last month or so I have pretty much been lying in bed, on the couch, at the doctor's or in the hospital.  I am happy to say that it is now over! yaaaaay! Although I am still recovering and my body seems to need like 11 hours of sleep a day, it is looking up.  

During all of the insanity my daughter has been with different family members, babysitters and friends since I wasn't able to do much of anything.   I try as much as possible to take some time every weak for my daughter and I to have some real quality one on one time together.  Usually we draw, play a game, go out for breakfast or even a nice walk in the park.  I find this time almost re energizes both of us.  It feeds us in so many ways.  It strengthens our bond and gives my daughter some easy going, no pressure time to talk to me about what ever is on her mind.  Whenever we have this time together she almost always tells me about something  that's been bothering her, or she asks me questions about something I would have never known she was concerned with, or was interested in.  It is always a wonderful time that I think is super important for parents and their kids.  

I know life can be so busy that it is hard to fit this time in, but even if you go to their rooms a half an hour or fifteen minutes before bed time and read a book and then have some extra time to just talk, you will be surprised how much your munchkin will love it.  

Have you ever noticed when little ones are playing at a park or at a play date,  all of a sudden they will run up to their parents or caregiver, give them a two minute hug or just lean on them and then run off again?  I've always looked at it as kids needing to go to home base to refuel.  

Well as they get older they still need that, they just don't know it.  Since I've been feeling better I knew I needed to give my daughter that time.  I decided to get out our paints, a big canvas and create a wonderful painting together for her bedroom.  It was so much fun! It gave us both a chance to be creative, make something for our home and just hang out.  So, if your kids bedrooms are in need of some art or wall decor, save your money and make something together, you'll be glad you did it.
Happy Painting!

TO SCHOOL FOR COOL

Dearest Clarity,
So I finally started school!!! which is why I haven't been around lately. I feel so funny wearing a back-pack again! Maybe because I'm so damn short, I look like I should be going to high school when I have it on.  haha!  I feel like such a nerd too, yesterday I had to ask these girls in my class to be quiet because I wanted to hear the lecture, and I sit in the front row!  These are things I never would have done in high school, because back then I thought I was too cool for school, and that is the very reason I'm still having to go to school now. Oh well! You live and you learn, right?  

I have to say it is pretty intense.  I've really had to change a lot of my habits and my daughters. Getting her to fall a sleep on her own is one of them, which I'm just beginning to think is never gonna happen! :(   Also getting myself to sleep earlier is not working out so much, no matter how tired I am.  I just cherish my down time at night so much, I never want it to end! It's the only time as a parent I feel I can really just chill out.  

On a good note, I am feeling really good about being back in school.  I know I'm doing the right thing and I feel like I'm on the right path finally, which feels great.  It's been a long, crazy journey so far and I really feel like its just gonna get better and better from here.  

At school I am studying child development.  It is so interesting to learn about our little munchkins and to see where I've gone right, and where I've gone wrong. Well, where I've gone wrong was a bit hard to swallow but there is no such thing as a perfect parent.  That's the one thing Ive gotten out of my classes so far, that I'm thankful for.  I can be so hard on myself when it comes to being a mom, but I'm realizing we can only do the best we can as parents.  As long as we are acting and making decisions out of love and respect for ourselves and our children, we will be alright. 

Well wish me luck! I 'm gonna get back to my readings now, cause I am proud to say that I am no longer to cool for school, I am now too school for cool! :)

THANK YOU!!!!

Dearest Clarity,
In the last week or so, I have noticed how much my daughter has been complaining and constantly focusing on the things she doesn't have, instead of what she does have.  I wish I could have that toy! How come I can't do that!  It's no fair that you are going out!  Aaaaaahhhh! It is driving me crazy!!!!!! So I decided that every night when we are cuddling together, getting ready for her to close her beautiful eyes and rest her precious munchkin mind and body, we will think and reflect on all that we have.  

We take turns saying at least one thing we feel thankful for.  Yesterday she was thankful for getting to do crafts, and today it was for spending time with her Nonna (grandmother).  It's so important to remind ourselves and our children of all that we have.  It's so easy to feel sorry for ourselves, and dwell on the negative when you are so drained and stressed. I know I'm guilty of it too, at times.  We forget how lucky we are just to have each other, shelter, water, love and freedom.  All the simple things that so many people in this world don't have.  So today and from now on, I am gonna make it my mission to say thank you!

PIZZA PICNIC MOVIE PARTY NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dearest Clarity,
It's Friday night and my daughter and I just had a PIZZA PICNIC MOVIE PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!! It was so fun! We put tons of blankets and pillows on the floor, ordered a yummy pizza and watched Ramona and Beezus, which I must say was so adorable!  I wanted to share this with you all because during our party, I realized how important it is for us to do little things like this with our kids.  I think giving our children some good quality one on one time is something we can easily forget to do.  Life is so crazy and busy, it just passes us by.  They need it, we need it and let's be honest, they aren't gonna want to hang with us for very long.  So if you haven't spent some quality time with your munchkin in a while, you should try to.  Color with them, bake something together or have a dance party, what ever you do I think you'll be happy you did it. 

Happy Pizza Picnic Movie Party Night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here fishy fishy fishy!

Dearest Clarity,
I am sooooooooo tired all the time.  Finding energy these days is not easy.  As a mom I know this isn't changing any time soon.  I usually have my share of coffee to keep me going, but that doesn't even work for me anymore.  It just ends up giving me a little high and then an even bigger low.  

A while ago my mom got me into taking fish oils and vitamin D everyday, but I stopped for a bit because honestly, I just forgot. But I have recently gotten back into it, and I have to say out of everything that helps the most, this is it.  They are both great to take for soooo many reasons and not just for us, but for our munchkins too.  Since I have started taking them my energy level has gone up and I just feel better, more clear headed and healthy.  

Fish oils are supposed to help people with anything from depression and anxiety to acne to weight loss and on and on.http://www.organicfacts.net/organic-animal-products/organic-fish/health-benefits-of-fish-oil.html  My daughter takes both everyday as well.  Especially when she starts coming down with something, I give her double the amount of D's and it works every time. http://www.oprah.com/health/Why-Knowing-Your-Vitamin-D-Levels-Might-Save-Your-Life/1 

They have mini fish oil capsules for kids that come in different fruity flavours, and they have D drops you can give your kids that taste just like water.  They are healthy and can help you and your little ones, especially when we know that they're not eating enough healthy foods.  Yes, they aren't cheap, but if there is one thing that's worth spending money on it's your health and your child's health.  So if you can, I encourage you to make them both a part of your daily routine. In the morning with breakfast or any time you remember.  Trust me you will notice a difference! 

This link is for the health food store I go to in Roncesvalles village.  They have great prices, are very friendly and they always know the answers to all my questions.


http://www.qinaturalfoods.com/

It's not always about the toys

Dearest Clarity,
As a single parent it can be very hard to provide the extras for our munchkins, like dance class, gymnastics or swimming.  This year I have decided to ask anyone in my friends or family that usually gets her lots of gifts or expensive ones, to instead contribute to the cost of her extra curricular activities.  

Of course they can still get her a little something to open, but instead of spending money on a toy she will probably only play with for a few weeks, they can get her something she will enjoy, learn and grow from.  I know for myself it can be really hard to ask for help all the time.  I want to be able to provide everything my munchkin needs and wants but it's not always possible, and I think its a perfect opportunity to get that help. I wanted to share this idea for anyone that can relate.  Soooo if you are someone who can, it might not be a bad idea.  :)

Shadeism

Dearest Clarity
I just finished watching this short documentary on shadeism, and I thought it was something that should be shared.  I have a child from mixed roots and I'm always trying different ways to help her stay connected to who she is.   She has already began asking questions about why her skin is different then mine? or why is her brother darker than her? why can't she comb her hair like her friends can?  This tells me that her awareness of different colors and races is opening up bigger and bigger.  

As a parent of a child who comes from two different races, I think it is so important to surround them with both sides of who they are, encourage them to love who they are, and teach and show them that beauty comes in all different colors, shapes and sizes. This is especially important because most of who or what they see in the media, only represents one or two races which is mainly on the light side. 

This video is a perfect way to start thinking about these issues and remind ourselves that they exist.  Especially as a woman and mother coming from a Canadian/Italian background, it's not something I have had to necessarily deal with.  Watching videos or reading books, talking to people of different color or races and understanding these issues, is a necessary part in bringing our beautiful children up to be comfortable in their own skin.

Just click on the link below to get to the video.  Enjoy!


http://vimeo.com/16210769

Letting go

Dearest Clarity

In the last six months my daughter has really shifted. She is so much more independent and so much bigger!!!! She seems more confident in herself and is really exploring and figuring things out, and of course she has a saucy Sk (senior kindergarten) attitude. hahaha! The other day, a mom called it the Ska. 

She goes to her dad's now and has a little brother and new step mom and step siblings, her life just keeps getting bigger and bigger. Through it all, she is smiling big and enjoying every minute of it, which is a beautiful thing to watch. That being said, for me its been a different story. I'm so happy she is happy, but at the same time I have this feeling of loss and sadness. Watching her and feeling her grow up and not need me as much is not easy. I am so used to being with her all the time and doing everything together, in a way I always felt like we were one person. This might be the dramatic Italian side of me! lol! but I think it's important to express it. 

As I'm writing, I'm realizing how easy it is to shove all our feelings and issues aside as parents and put everything into taking care of our children. In a way I'm realizing that I need to get a life! To be a happy healthy parent we need to have our own hobbies, social life and desires outside of being a parent to our kids. Watching your kids grow up is tough, but I know I need to let go, let her explore, let her feel, let her make mistakes and most importantly, let her fly!

SESAME STREET: I LOVE MY HAIR! AWESOME!!!

I looooove this video!! My daughter has very curly hair. She comes from mixed roots and her hair is not easy to comb or style. This makes her upset because she says she wants to be able to comb her hair, like some of her friends with straight hair can. 

I used to get really sad when she would get upset, but I realize it's ok for her to go through those feelings. The more people she meets with hair like her, the more comfortable and happy she seems to be about her hair. Even though everyone stops her on the street to tell her how beautiful her hair is, and no matter how much I tell her, she needs to feel it and believe it herself. 

I always tell her how important it is to love yourself the way you are. We all know everyone wants what they can't have, but it's so important that we help our munchkins to LOVE what they do have. If you or your child can relate, you should watch this video. It's adorable, and I think it will make you all smile :)

Thanks Rach! xo

Blending families!

My daughter has recently been having to get used to her father's new family. I guess in a way, I have to. Her father and I discussed some boundaries and guidelines we thought we should have, in order for the transition to go as smoothly as possible. All of a sudden having new siblings and a step parents is a huge adjustment, for everyone involved. I just came across this list for step parents and I thought it was a really good one, so I thought I would share it.

http://www.oprah.com/relationships/The-things-a-stepmother-should-never-say/1

NO MORE BULLIES!

Dearest Clarity,

My daughter has just started Senior Kindergarten! I can't believe how fast it has all gone by. Although the kids in her class are only five, bullying has already begun. Through my own experiences as a child, and through the experiences of other parents and kids I know, its obviously a very serious problem. Bullying can really hurt people both inside and out. In the present and in the future. It can take a child's confidence away, distract them from learning and cause them to be afraid to go to school and be themselves.

I have personally been talking to my daughter about this for a while now, because it's something that I find very important. I believe it is up to us as parents and caregivers to do our best to make our children aware of what bullying is, and how to deal with it. If we start at a young age, to teach our children the tools they need to be confident in who they are, and give them the ability to stick up for themselves and others, then we have already made a difference.

In my experience bullies are usually children that come from a back round where they were taught to deal with feelings or conflicts in negative ways, or not at all. Or they are looking for attention for some reason and don't know any other way to express it.  

Unfortunately getting to the root of why the bully is doing what they are doing is not always easy. This is why I believe the best way to try and stop this serious issue, is again to strengthen our children's confidence. Let them know how loved they are, how proud we are of them, and how much they are capable of.

At my daughter's young age of five, I have told her to tell the bully that she does not want to be treated that way, and to move on and go play with someone else. Now I know as kids get older it gets harder and more intense, so hear is a great website for anyone who might need it.

www.bullying.org

Let's love our children.

Let's help our children.

Let's respect our children

Let's be positive role models for our children

LET'S MAKE A CHANGE!

I NEED TO DO ME!

Dearest Clarity
It's amazing how life can just pass you by, especially when you have your children to take care of, and so many other responsibilities. This is one of the first nights in sooooooo long that I have just sat here in silence. My daughter is a sleep, my dishes are done, laundry folded, house tidied and I feel weird. I haven't just sat and been still, and felt in so long. I'm realizing how much I ignore myself. I'm sitting here feeling numb! I'm sad and disappointed in how much I've neglected myself. How I feel, what I want, who I am. Sitting here right now, I've realized I need to do me! It's so easy to ignore ourselves when we are taking care of our children but its so important to take care of us, cause if we aren't in a good place then they wont be either.

WAKA WAKA!

Dearest Clarity,
When we were in Italy all the kids there were always singing this years world cup anthem, Shakira's Waka Waka ( This time for Africa) It was sooooo cute, and my daughter loved it. She would get right in there with them a do the dance and sing along. As soon as I heard the song, I loved it too. I even got right in there with all the kids! lol! (It was pretty funny!) Now that we are home, we have passed on the song and dance to the two little girls I take care of, and of course they love it too. My daughter and I looooove to put it on and jump around and dance. There is something so magical and freeing about the song and video. It's uplifting, cultured, beautiful and positive. I think it's a great feel good song to let out some energy with your kids, and it's a great work out! I encourage you to try it out, you'll be surprised how much fun it is!

Soooooo Damn Refreshing!

Will Smith & Jada Smith ON OPRAH - HIPHOPNEWS24-7.COM

This is what I'm talking about! Love love love love love them! Please listen to this, this is what parenting and loving each other is all about!

Facing your fears

Dearest Clarity,
My biggest fear in the last year, was the possibility of one day having to face my daughters father. Well it finally happened. It was so intense, and I was so nervous about how it would go. I couldn't help but think, it was gonna be as horrible as it was the last time I saw him, but it wasn't. I'm glad it finally happened because the anxiety of not knowing, was horrible. Not knowing if we would ever see him again or if he would ever come around to see our child again. I feel proud of myself for being strong enough to face him, and stand up for what I believe is best for our daughter. If he wants to be in her life again, he is gonna have to prove it. He has to gain her and my trust back, by showing us he can be reliable. Call when you say your gonna call and show up when you say your gonna show up. When I spoke to my daughter about her dad contacting me, she was not happy. She told me that she isn't ready to see him yet, and I told her that that's ok. When I asked her how it made her feel, she said sad, angry and scared. I was so proud of her for standing up for herself. I know she will come around eventually and want to see him, but until then I told her I am here for her no matter what, and it's up to her when she is ready to see him again. It's so important when kids go through intense things like this, that you communicate about there feelings and let them know that they are safe and have your support.

No matter what happens, I've learnt that putting the work into becoming the strongest person and family you can be, is the most important thing in the world. Yes, I want my daughter to have a relationship with her dad, but if he screws it up and doesn't follow through, we will be ok. We will be ok because we are mother and daughter, best friends, partners in crime and most importantly each others biggest supporters.

Proud to be a soccer mom!

Dearest Clarity,

So today was my daughter's second soccer game. It's sooooooo much fun! I'm so proud of her for getting out there and trying it out. I thought it would be a struggle just to get her to wear her team shirt, but she is doing great. Yes, she all of a sudden busts into dance on the field, or starts picking the grass, but she is so proud of herself after she gets off the field. Especially if she kicks the ball, even if it's in the wrong direction. I wanted to write about this because I was reminded that we should always give our kids a chance. Even though you might think they won't enjoy something or they won't be interested in something, you just never know. It's so important to expose them to different things because I think they will surprise themselves as well. You just won't know until you try. So proud to be a soccer mom!