Dearest Clarity,
It has been about a year now since my daughter has seen her father and through out this year I have been struggling with how I talk to her about it. I couldn't handle seeing her so upset and confused anymore so I thought what do I say? Do I tell her the truth? Do I lie to protect her? After speaking to other mother's who had to deal with the same dilemma, my own mother, my friends who came from single parent homes and from reading many books; I started to write a list of what stuck out the most from what they all told me. Up to this point I had just been telling my daughter that he was away but it just wasn't working anymore because of course as they prove over and over again these little munchkins, they are so much smarter and stronger than we think. I decided I needed to tell her the truth but I had to do it very carefully, with a lot of love and strength. She deserved the truth.
So the next time she had her weekly release about her dad I took a deep breath and told her. I told her that her dad loves her and it has nothing, absolutely nothing to do with her. I told her that her dad unfortunately just couldn't handle what life had thrown at him and that we needed to pray for him and respect that that is all he can do. I also said that I don't agree with his decisions and that she had every right to be sad and angry and that I was so so so sorry that she has to deal with this but again it wasn't her fault. I then reminded her of all the amazing people she has in her life and how much they love her. Most importantly I told her to let out her sadness and that I would be there to hold her and support her but once she released she needed to stand up straight and go live her life with a smile on her face because it can always be worse, and she can't let this bring her down. She can still do anything she wants and be anything she wants. Not to use this as a crutch or an excuse. Don't be a victim. You are strong you are beautiful and you will be OK.
So the next time she had her weekly release about her dad I took a deep breath and told her. I told her that her dad loves her and it has nothing, absolutely nothing to do with her. I told her that her dad unfortunately just couldn't handle what life had thrown at him and that we needed to pray for him and respect that that is all he can do. I also said that I don't agree with his decisions and that she had every right to be sad and angry and that I was so so so sorry that she has to deal with this but again it wasn't her fault. I then reminded her of all the amazing people she has in her life and how much they love her. Most importantly I told her to let out her sadness and that I would be there to hold her and support her but once she released she needed to stand up straight and go live her life with a smile on her face because it can always be worse, and she can't let this bring her down. She can still do anything she wants and be anything she wants. Not to use this as a crutch or an excuse. Don't be a victim. You are strong you are beautiful and you will be OK.
Whether or not this was the right way to go about it, I don't know but what I do know is she has been so much better ever since that day I told her the truth. She was hurt, and boy did she cry but she stopped looking so depressed and it felt as though a weight had been lifted off her shoulders, and from that day on she has come to me and started conversations about it. I believe it's because she felt like she could trust me to be honest and trust me to be there for her. Yes I know she is only four but like I said, these little munchkins are so much smarter and stronger than we think.
They are super munchkins!
It is an on going struggle and a conversation that will continue to change and grow but being able to communicate with my daughter and sitting there and having those real moments is what life is all about. So I send out all of my love and support to all the single parents out there dealing with this, it's tough but just breathe follow your heart and believe in you and your child cause you are strong enough to get through this.
If anyone has any advice on how they dealt with this issue or a similar one I would love to hear it! Every child is different and every situation is different so hearing different opinions and examples can be such a great help.
I think you explained this too her with such a positive force. I know its hard to talk about this situation without having a bit of anger or bitterness released at the same time, but the choice of words that you used has a sense of security to them.
ReplyDeleteYou guys are beautiful.
Love ya's
D Lee G
Dear Molly
ReplyDeleteI shed a few tears when I read Super Munchkins. It reminded me of my own experience as a single Mom. My boys had so much to deal with after my split from their father. They are grown and it is still not over.
The one constant that has kept me moving forward is to always remember to not be another parent filled with blame and victimization. Love can heal any wound.
I actually give thanks for this experience because it woke me up from my deep slumber of thinking that someone else needed to make me happy. I have learned that true happiness comes from within me.
Today I can truly say that, "I love myself, I love my own company."
That is the greatest example I can give to my children.
Molly thank you for sharing your wisdom and your parenting. You and your Super Munchkin are a delight.
Morningstar
As she grows up, she will come to recognize the maturity and strength you display and the respect you hold for her to make her own decisions about the whole situation.
ReplyDeleteIt's not easy though, but the hope isn't that it will be easy... the hope is that it will be worth it!
Hey M,
ReplyDeleteGreat blog. I think it's a really amazing idea. I can't imagine what it must feel like to be a single parent. I'm sure you have your struggles, but that rewards must make it all worth it.
My mom was a single parent. My dad stopped coming around when I was about 5, and I also didn't understand where he went, when he was coming back, or why I couldn't see my cousin, Destiny anymore (who i had grown extremely close with). I think you handled the situation the best way you could. Honestly is always the best policy even when dealing with children. I agree that they pick up on much more than many realize. Anyway, for me, I had a happy childhood without my dad. The problems came as a teenager. Still affects me in some ways, but try to understand from your daughters perspective that at 5 years old, she isn't going to continue miss something she never really had... At least that's how I grew to feel.
Stay up~
xo
I think it's wonderful that you are not in denial, that you are not trying to protect her father and make up excuses any longer. You are breaking the cycle and starting a new one, filled with communication, understanding and respect. Although ur little girl is only 4 you are respecting, and understanding her and communicating the truth... that is what she deserves, and you have done it in such a way not to "turn her against" her father but to let her know the situation and hope for the best, and remind her of what she DOES have!!!
ReplyDeleteIn some ways I wish that my son's father would just disapear sometimes.... he on the other hand is soooooooo inconsistent that it is so confusing for all of us. Our lives are filled with excuses and I on the other hand don't know how to deal with it. I find MYSELF making up excuses to my eldest son to not hurt his feelings, it is so hard.
But I will use your experience of being more honest in a suttle way, it IS true! these little ones can handle and comprehend more than we think...
Wow! Your blog is amazing. It's well written, powerful, clear, informative, educational, and heart warming.
ReplyDeleteYour mother once gave me the same advice about writing down my feelings and sending them out energentically.
When I was going through my breakup with Mathew you were someone I looked to for comfort. After talking to you one night I started thinking and wrote down some thoughts in a journal.
I can't find it at the moment, but what I wrote was a message to you. My message was thank you for helping me put things into perspective, that I hope you find the confidence within yourself to do what it is you felt was your calling, and that I believe you will be successful. I also wished that you would find peace with your situation with Vaughan...(sorry if I miss spelled his name)
Although we didn't know one another all that well, you were able to set aside you personal opinion and possible bias from being a sibling and provide great advice.
So here we are February 28, 2010 and in my inbox is a message that Melis is following her passion and sending out her thoughts, hopes and dreams energetically.
This is amazing and I look forward to watching it grow into something unthinkable!!!
Dear Molly,
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing the more emotionally difficult times as a single parent...a part of life most choose to push away or over look as something just too difficult to face.
My heart and soul are feeling grateful that the many single parent families, moms, dads, and especially the brave little munchkins will feel strengthened, supported, validated and most especially LOVED by these sharings. They are like a prayer to mend the broken hearts. And the truth you speak is like standing on solid ground on a very clear day.
I think it is also important that while going through these more challenging experiences that Self Nurturing is extremely important.
Getting up and going for a 15 minute walk in nature or taking a bubble bath at the end of the day. One of my favourite things to do it to sit in a candle lit room listening to a moving piece of music and lastly kick off your shoes, grab the little munchkins by the hand and dance, dance, dance away the blues.
Sunshine
WOW! Thanks everyone I love reading your comments, and your support means more than you know! Hearing your stories and how mine have inspired you is what this is all about.
ReplyDeleteLove you guys!
Dear Molly,
ReplyDeleteI was recently introduced to your blogspot and I am so happy that I found it. Your positivity, honesty and warmth are truly contagious.
It is so refreshing to hear another single mom who shares the same passion for her children and to also know that I am not alone.
Thank you for sharing this with us all.
JJ
Thank you JJ! I am so glad you are enjoying it. Everyone's support has been amazing. I think it is important for us all to be there for eachother, it's a tough job so knowing we have people in our corner really helps. Hearing from all of you has also made me realize that I am not alone, so again thank you for your support.
ReplyDeleteTalk soon!