Dearest Clarity,
After everything I went through with my daughters father before he decided to disappear, I find myself still dealing with the anxiety and fear of our arguments, misunderstandings, disappointment's and disagreements. When I say fear I'm not talking about being scared of him hurting me physically, I'm just talking about the torment of going through him not showing up, or him arguing with my every move and decision. Towards the end when it got really bad and intense between us, I felt the worst feelings I have ever felt. Every once and a while that anxiety and fear comes back. Not knowing if he will ever call again or show up again. Not knowing if he will ever want to come back and be a father to his beautiful daughter. The unknowings of it all can be so overwhelming. Will we see him walking down the street? Will we never see him again? Sometimes when my phone or doorbell rings my heart jumps. Then I start to think, what if he does come back around, what will I do? How will I handle it? How will it affect my daughter? and what if she blames me. When I start feeling this way, which is often, I just try to breathe through it and tell myself everything will be ok. I talk to friends, family or write in my journal. At the end of the day though all of these fears and anxiety of the unknown is always there, I just pray that I can get to a place where I don't feel this way anymore, or at least it can't get in the way of me living a happy, peaceful life. I guess I just need to somehow accept that I can't do anything about it. I can just be the best woman and mother I can be, and be positive and hope for the best for everyone involved.
I used to get anxious, stressed out and scared about things I couldn't control. I would dwell on the negative rather than the positive, and then one day I was doing it again and a good friend said to me, what are you stressing yourself out about. There is nothing you can do to change the situation until you get there. Until then you are creating a bigger problem for yourself, just take a deep breath and think of the positive outcomes. Now I find myself stopping and taking a deep breath and changing my focus to what would be the positive outcome. It takes time but then again time heals all wounds. Keep taking that deep breath and soon your anxiety might turn to optimism.
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ReplyDeleteYou are so right. I have to start focusing on the positive more. It's the only way to go. Thank you!
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